Best Leaders

There are good leaders and they are a delight to be with. They are not "empire builders". They love what they do and appreciate that you and your colleagues of the same mind,  are part of the team. They take up their load, and it's a big one having one's head on the block at every turn  as the saying goes, the higher you climb, the harder you fall. They help you do what you have to do to make "it" work. They foster your ideas and keep you on track. They are not the "it" but the one who leads the pack into the fray to get the job done. One of the best leaders I have worked with, was creative but he invited the ideas of everyone into the mix, so that we could make something bigger and better than if he were the only one involved. If your ideas outshone his, he was gracious and accepting. He realized that he was not the only brain in the jar! He was kind and gentle and forgiving and helpful and understanding. At the same time, he was strong and got out there and defended his team and did all within his powers for us to get front and centre with our combined efforts. He was also fun. We were a team that was close and socialized as well as worked together. We were not an exclusive group, however. If a newcomer entered the field, he saw to it that we mentored the newie, not for our own benefit, but to add to what we already had going. If someone couldn't hack it, we all helped the individual having trouble. Everyone goes there at some time and we knew what it felt like. There were seldom problems, but if there was one, we didn't whisper behind each other's backs and complain. We could go to the leader along with the person we were having a problem with and it became something to work at having had both sides working it out along with the leader's counseling.  There was no running to other people or to the "boss" with a gripe, the rule was that you both went to the leader. It was an ethical rule that worked very well. There were regular gatherings in a comfortable atmosphere, for discussion about work relationships and other gatherings for work-related problems. It was sad to see that leader leave when he was called away to higher places. And though the new leader was not the same, everyone learned something about being a leader and being a follower.  So to a former Best Leader, best wishes Sam, you were the greatest.

Empires

There are empire builders one encounters in the work and other worlds. The EBs are well-meaning individuals who consider their mission in life, is to improve everyone else's. They feel they have the key to "the way it should be done" and proceed to make sure that everyone within their powers, does it that way. Or else. Working with an EB is challenging. Tolerance and patience are  the key. Eventually, although these kinds make your life miserable as they can if you don't bend to their will and ways, they will be found out and their reign ended. If you have been trod upon by this sort, the only solution is waiting and putting up with. It is pointless to point out their motives because they are convinced that their way is the only way. They come off as being kindly and generous. Their offers to invite you into their circle of notables is enticing and you feel gratified to be part of it. But, it is the first step in being a subject of their empire. From that moment on, if you continue, you must come and go as they wish, how they wish. "Ride with me to the event or meeting" is one example of the control. You will meet them when they desire, and are moved about according their dictates. Then comes the matter of working with them, but only in their way. Their favorite line is "Well, I don't do it that way. This is the way I do it." Out of gratitude, you do it the way they want you to but secretly you prefer your own way. Later on, you overhear them tell fellow workers how they have taken a deal of time to show you how to do things well, but you are still learning. By then, you begin to realize what you have got yourself into. It's hard to get out. Fortunately, there is light at the end of the tunnel when they elevate themselves through their "extreme generosity" to higher levels of accomplishment and you are, mercifully, left to go about matters the way you know best. The next time someone reaches out to be helpful, you think it over carefully and hazard being called jaded or paranoiac or cynical and do it YOUR way. For you, it's the best way.

Coo Not

One of the worst ways to treat the elderly is to coo at them. Cooing is a form of communication that sees the doer leaning to one side, smiling at the older person as though a baby and cooing or purring at them. It is not kindly. It is insulting and demeaning.  I encountered this cooing first at the unlikely age of twenty-six when expecting my child I shopped for maternity wear at an exclusive shop in the city. A very young sales associate (as they call them today)  brought out a number of garments including one that looked like a long striped tee shirt. Very jaunty I thought. Just the thing for work. When I tried it on and stepped out to see the effect in the mirror, the young miss waiting on me, cooed, "You must have been sporty when you were young." That was my first coo and it hurt a whole lot. I considered myself young, still in my twenties. The clerk couldn't have been much less in age than I, therefore, I was able to recuperate from the blow. Now that I am in the of-an-age category,  if someone tips its head to one side and baby talks at me, I may not, in return,  be as tolerant or as courteous.  Even if one is assisting an elderly person, it is not necessary to treat them as though they are a "mewling, puking" infant. Older folk are simply antiques having that patina which occurs with all living creatures should they have the good fortune to live long enough. Old age doesn't mean you have lost your so-called marbles. All of the intelligence, wisdom and experience the elderly have should be treated with respect, not denigration. Elders are not all afflicted with dementia although some unfortunately are, but never, even if so, should elders be cooed at. Save the cooing for the pigeon cote. Please.

Abuse? , No

There are countless individuals out there who opt to live in an abusive environment. I am not speaking of physical abuse, but that of the mind kind. The hit and punch sort is criminal and there is only one thing to do about that. Get out fast and stay away.  The other kind of abuse, the mental kind,  is just as bad but because there are no visible scars, those in it, tend to stick it out. It can be perpetrated by males or females, young or old and in every level of society. It can be done by those in authority of some kind in a home, business or social setting. The one who causes this kind of anguish enjoys seeing the victim cringe and dissolve. They feel a heady power and consider themselves stronger and greater for the abuse they fling out. Everyone who has had a teacher, boss or even someone from the pulpit bully and harrass, knows the feelings of degradation that descend. But almost always there is a defense that protects one from this kind of offense. It must begin inside you, the victim. Words are the weapons used and, as they say, sticks and stones can break bones but words will never hurt me. Words can hurt more, but only if you let them. First you have to find the very fine person living inside you, the person who deserves better treatment than to be abused. You know a way to build up your persona by looking at what you do well and seeing all the positives about yourself. List them. Look only at the good and you will find that the abuse hurled at you, has no place. Give it no place and see the abusers for what they are: frightened about their own status, thinking that to put you down will build themselves up. They are small children in a dark closet pounding the door to get out. They are blustering but pitiful creatures, not ones to be feared. They react to your goodness with resentment because they want what you have: a forgiving, peace-loving, righteous nature. They pound away with their bad-mouthing hoping to destroy you. You know you are better than their behaviours and can over-come their harrassments by giving them no attention whatsoever. Your path is clear. You know what you are doing for yourself and it is the right and proper way. You step over the cruelties hurled and go along the pathway that is clear to you. You are what matters in your life. They have no place and no meaning in it. Tell yourself over and over again how valuable you are and that you have a long life ahead and a chance to walk down your pathway knowing that your bright discovery will light it up and kindness toward others, warm you as you go.

Second Time 'Round?

On second thought... is the bane of the impatient and the motto of the cautious. But it works well when big decisions are to be made. Buying a house or car or something major, calls for much thinking and second thoughts. It isn't the initial cost that can rip a deal; it's the add-ons and maintenance that stresses. Tax is a big and immediate factor. How much does that up the true cost? Insurance is another factor. The bigger the purchase, the greater the insurance. Maintenance can haunt for the rest of the new item's existence. What's bigger needs more work to keep up. Sometimes "on second thought" changes the whole deal and a less ambitious but more comfortable situation is decided upon. OST works! Unfortunately, that doesn't work with marriage and often just living together. The heart pushes one way very strongly at the time and the head simply follows. How nice to be one with someone else, you think, and what better way than sharing the same space? When it is done and your cat and his dog have made friends, it's too late for second thoughts. Realities enter. Who pays for what? Who is responsible to do what? Where is privacy and freedom? The first fight that always ends with make-up something, usually determines  how matters will proceed from then on and often times, the unworkable meets the impossible and the moving company moves in while you move out. It is really too bad for the dog and cat who have managed to share their space equitably. And then there is the big real estate deal that is a scraper. A couple I knew, had their heads in a cloud when a certain gorgeous house found its way into their young dreams. No sooner had they moved into the architectural wonder than the tax, the hydro, the cable and insurances inundated them. A mere two salaries were not enough. A realtor sign went up and they, down. Fortunately, they sold the dream/nightmare home and found a smaller fixer-upper that turned into a charmer they could live with. They forgot the benefit of second thought. Second thought isn't always best, however. There are times  when you see it, you grab it or it will stay in the why-didn't-I room that lies in a dark place at the back of your mind. On second thought, second place can be the winner sometimes.

Too Much Learning

A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing - so the adage goes. But I have learned over the decades that a whole lot of it is lethal. The other night at a social event, a PHD person expounded on his subject. Academics all have a pet topic that they have honed in on for years. By the time they get to the bitter end of all the collected facts, they feel there are no more avenues to explore and therefore, their theory borne of it are the compleat conquerors. ( I lean toward old spellings.)  The man spoke, rather well and authoritatively, for almost an hour to his polite, eclectic audience. Throughout his talk, he assured us, by mentioning generously that he had a PHD and that he knew he was absolutely right no matter what we thought.  We hoped to be impressed by him, but knowledge or not, our human natures took over and we couldn't help but squirm  and drink far too much of whatever we had in front of us. We didn't care what it was. We needed to hydrate - or perchance, dilute. The speaker made a fine lecture but to the wrong audience. We were all well out of school. As the gentleman ranted on, impressing us with his theory and that his interpretation of the subject was the correct one and an infallible one, some of us given to a different opinion hoped to meet him afterward to inform the learned chap that no subject in the world was that closed. I, having only water and cold coffee in front of me to drink, was pleased that it were not wine or something stronger because I wanted a clear head to make reasonably intelligent remarks to the professor afterward. My hopes were dashed when the man returned to our table and during my discussion with him was told "that is the trouble with you people who don't know what I, a PHD, know." I gave up. I have no PHD or even and MA - in anything! On reflection, I believe that too much education merely separates the educated from those who keep open minds, the ones not bound by ties of their own construction. The more you know, the less you know. I hope that education equips a person to help others, to broaden the mind, to accept the ideas that others and daily life present. People who use their education to help their fellow man, people like ordinary doctors and teachers and nurses and persons of that caliber use their education. These are the truly knowledgeable folk who deserve our respect.