End Results

Life ending is often a funeral. Many folks opt out of these "celebrations of life" and have a quiet family event during which there is much soul searching and personal sharing of memories and intimate good-byes. Other people want to have a larger affair to which everyone associated with the person who died, is invited. These are usually accompanied by food and drink, speakers and displays of remembrance. But that's only part of what will continue for months after a death, things that no one wants to think about, but that will happen. To be realistic and frank, both of the former involve costs that while different, are separate from the base expense of the death itself. The celebrations are not the only costs. It may appear unseemly to discuss,  but dying is expensive and not the wee amount you pay when you are quoted the fee to join a low-cost end-of-life company. To think that all you have to pay is the minimal ten or twenty dollars and that's it, is naive. But I have come across people who think that it is. That small amount, gives you access only to the services of the company. It does not pay them or the other costs that inevitably pile up. Cremation, transportation of the body, death certificates and consultations, funeral preparations of the body, burial plots or interment of ashes, legal matters involving notaries or lawyers, executor expenses and many others come into play. It's one of the harsh realities that often cause people to "crash". It's a good plan for the partner or spouse or dear one, to have a helper: a good friend or relative who can be with the person who has much to deal with other than the emotional impact after a death. I speak of this aspect because it was something that I dealt with even though I had a wonderful family to call on. I needed to deal with the matter myself. Or so I thought at the time. Now, I realize how much better it would have been, and how valuable personally, to invite those close to me to help. Some of us are very independent persons but the true nature of  mankind is to reach out to others. I say all this because at this stage of life, there are no golden days and years. It might seem easy to others whom we protect, but it can often be hugely uncomfortable and disturbing. But often, we fear allowing others in to what we consider is our own responsibility. We forget that living on this planet is sharing it, and all of us have the same situations occur in our lives, that step over all of the barriers we fear: economic, social, generational, cultural and  political ones. We are all human and loss is common. There are no fences in grieving. The bottom line is to prepare for the leaving of ourselves and for those who leave us. Endings can be made easier in facing the realities and meeting them honestly, thoughtfully and respectfully. It's work, and likely, the most important of our entire lives.

The Sticky Stuff

We've all dealt with the "baby proof" medicine toppers that take a chain saw to remove. That's the "sticky stuff" of which I speak.  I have a dozen tales about dealing with drug store bottle lids. Some of them involve a tricky, painful process of removal along with much blue air when the top suddenly flies off and the expensive pills disappear down a drain or a toilet bowl. It's happened to me more than a few times. Who is to blame? Likely me. My medicine chest is on high  and anything that falls out of my hands, becomes airborne. The majority of pill takers are old and haven't had a baby around for decades but they have to deal with frustrating baby proof tops.  Those with babies  need to pay attention and ensure safety caps: granted. But to most elders they are a painful nuisance. During my last visit to a pharmacy, I noticed  something called "arthritis lids" and they are a boon. One twist and you're able to access the ingredients immediately! Another sticky situation is one I encountered today while making bread. It's not the first time it happened, but the encounter with my stand mixer was very frustrating. I don't have a muscular individual to call on for such minor emergencies. To get the bowl off the stand after a good mixing session is like trying to open Tut's tomb.  As the mixing goes on, it seems, the bowl gets more and more jammed into its shallow port. At the end of a good mix, if you forgot to oil the port a little, you will spend a half hour working that bowl out of its place. After twisting until I could twist no more, I resorted to, as per instructions, applying a warm wet cloth to the base. After more strain and effort, I found that that method didn't work. Out came the handy dandy WD40 and a spurt of it did not work. Finally, completely frustrated, I removed the dough into another bowl to rise. Again, I put in time trying to get the now empty bowl twisted out. Nothing seemed to make it budge. Suddenly my brain kicked into the Science department, and I began to apply science. I took ice cubes and put them inside the bowl, waited a short time and voila, I twisted, and the bowl came off. Of course, scientifically, the cold metal of the bowl bottom reduced its mass a little and  released from the warmer base. Applied Science seldom, if ever, fails. It does make one wonder, however, what kind of testing process is applied to the things we use every day. Why should the bowl stick as it does? Why does the front door stick and can't be unlocked  due to the expected natural settling of the building, how come the drawers jam and cupboard doors don't close properly? These things are the Sticky Stuff of life. After-purchase is studied lightly.  It's not just the initial using of a product, but also its future wear effects that should be tested and advertised. Fortunately, in a sticky situation, we can always "google it"!

Hospice Time

Aging people find hospices are best places to be for life endings. But going to them is usually a reluctant endeavor. Recently, someone I know has had occasion to enter a hospice. As often happens, the elder discovers suddenly, some kind of illness or disease that means going to hospital and consequently never returning home. It's a traumatic matter because these things can happen instantly and their effects are deeply concerning not only to the victims but also to everyone connected to the affected one.  To be told that you are in the hospital and that your state means that to go home will be for a visit only, if at all, is devastating. It seems that most of us don't prepare for such happenings and thus are confused and upset and sometimes angry and frustrated.  To live the rest of your life in a medical facility of any kind is a shocking thought,  but to have going home ruled out, is completely impossible to comprehend. None of us, no matter how old, truly understand when there is a sudden  affliction that has come down upon us. As always, there are lessons to be learned from bad situations. One is for all elders to have their affairs in some kind of organized form. Wills need to be clear, Powers Of Attorney completed and wishes known if a debilitating situation arises where you cannot speak for yourself. It can happen and it does. The matter of finding a hospice that works for you is something that ought to be considered. Believe it or not, there are waiting lists. If the hospital cannot accommodate you until you enter a hospice, you will have to go home and find some kind of care for yourself. Often times, a partner or spouse, is not safely capable of home care for another elder. In that case, a care-giver, relative or home has to be found and some kind of suitable care plan enlisted. Home nursing care is very expensive as is going into a care home. Some of the latter are better than others as far as facilities, programs and food are concerned. It's a good idea to do some exploring before a crises erupts. Changes to a driver's license, finding persons to give personal assistance  and getting someone you can trust to handle your affairs is important and needs prior planning. It's never too soon. The individual I know was taken to a hospital and since that day is needing items from home, business matters solved and personal arrangements completed. This lovely person must do it all  from a bed in the hospital. The matter of being able to go into a home or hospice of your choice immediately is almost a fairy tale. If you can't have the one you want, you may have to go to another location where it is difficult if not impossible for your friends and relatives to visit you. It's a big world and often times, there are just no immediate beds to for everyone. It takes patience and understanding.  Personnel try their best to find the place each person wants to be in, but often there is a waiting period and another location that is temporary, must do. With our aging population, it is often not possible to fit everyone right away into a place of  their perfect wishes. If we aging folk would only do some early thinking about life end, it would make things better for everyone when that time arrives. And it always, sooner or later, does.

Sad Old Men

Old men are often sad old men. It's not that they are to blame, it's just that their lives have changed in ways they didn't realize would happen to them: widower-hood, being a caregiver to their spouse or having physical aberrations.  Perhaps it's a generalization, but from observations of my society, women seem more hardy when it comes to aging crises. I see old men sitting in malls gazing on passersby in solitary grief and longing. I see them eating alone in lower cost restaurants. It is evident that they do not cook for themselves or perhaps don't wish to.  Older women are usually in the company of other women they have befriended and appear to be happy. I worry about the older men. Statistically, older men when left alone, don't live as long as women. It shouldn't be that way. Many of the generation that is aging now, were families in which the female of the union, did the cooking, cleaning and caring for others while the "man of the house" went to work. He came home and had his laundry, cooking, cleaning and child care all done for him by his wife. In those days it was the way it was and no one seemed to mind but when his children left  the home and his wife died, he became lost. Blaming doesn't fix the situation. If there is no help for him to adjust to being on his own and having to learn routines that he didn't think he would have ever to carry out, he has a very difficult time of it. One hopes his family will see to it that he receives advice and caring help to either remain independent or to enter a suitable facility where he will find comfort. If alone with no family or friends, a shy man, can enter a very challenging and perhaps dangerous time in his life. Now that family is changing, and women work, children are in child care and there is no gender differentiation as to household duties as in the past, it would be interesting to see aging and its coming patterns ahead. But what about the older man now. When old men no longer drive and cannot get out to shop and don't know how to use electronics and are too fearful to learn, I see a problem. Hiring help is enormously costly for the average man and while he does what he can, it may not be enough to maintain good health and comfort. Social workers attempt to offer assistance but reaching all of those in need is impossible. Many men consider it unmanly to ask for help. They gradually fade into their shells and deteriorate unless someone pays attention. Your family member, your neighbour or acquaintance, if approached gently and with respect, will perhaps respond positively if you want to reach out. Sometimes just chatting or sitting with an elder in this situation, helps his spirits rise to a degree. I know some folks who offer food tokens  to someone in a lonely situation or pick up grocery items or take them to appointments and I admire them greatly. We must take care of each other.

Wonder Women

You've met them: Wonder Women. They are the females who strive endlessly to be the top, the acme of all other females around them. They bake the best, look the best, mother the best, charity the best, love the most and with false modesty tell or show us of it constantly. They are the orchids and chocolates people. The rest of us are said to envy them for their accomplishments and the influence they wield and example they set. But let's scratch the surface here. The question arises when we finish our petty jealousies of these women, what's going on and why do the Alpha women do as they do? Generally, these people arose from a mud somewhere in their backgrounds. When they climbed out of whatever bad situation they were in, they came out determined to shoot to the top since they had experienced far too much of the bottom. All that is to the good, but what is really happening is a goal that appears to ignore others who line their personal golden pathways to glory. We have experienced these misguided individuals elbowing  their ways to the spotlight.  Granted they are disliked or even hated, but they seem to neither notice nor care. Whoa! Do we know these individuals who will not let us in as fellow females? Are we simply jealous of their talents and are afraid to approach them, thus isolating them even further from the company of women? What is there to fear? Wonder Women are powerful and not always fair, therefore, it is intimidating to befriend them. But the fact is, that woman are, regardless of their position in society, women. And yes, we should try and befriend them and make them feel welcome to a place where they don't need to perform at the top to be accepted. How do you do this? Some female acquaintances or bosses appear to be infallible, but everyone is vulnerable in some way, and when the the lofty slip, you can be there to lend a hand, to give support that may not be highly visible but useful, nevertheless. It doesn't mean loss of self worth or pride, but merely a woman to woman gesture of support. You will find a chance, a way. It's tough at the top, the saying goes, and it is especially so for a woman who has struggled to get there. We women have deep feelings, of course males and others do, too, but not always similar to our specific female-like needs and qualities. We can capitalize on these gifts and use them in positive ways. We can put aside, to our own benefit, feelings of competition which is not what it's about, and just be there, to reach out woman-to-woman. If rejected, at least you have opened the door and tried. Doing it, you, the never-alpha female can become a kind of Wonder Woman in your own special way.

Losing Marbles, Gaining Gold

There is little doubt that some losses in aging happen. To think that one's capacities don't change is not being realistic. The best part of that fact is that not all faculties, lose. I know a wonderful person whose history denies fault in almost every way, but who is losing the odd marble here and there. I am assuming you know what kinds of marbles I speak of. This individual who plays a  demanding game of cards, shows a certain lower ability in some aspects, but those who play with him, are beginning to realize that their opinions should be held in check. He has a second wisdom that defies careless analysis and he often comes up with astonishing victories. Knowing this gentleman personally and having had many conversations with him away from the tables of cards, I find him brilliant. His abilities in wit and language, his observations and conclusions, are intriguing. When I learned the history of his accomplishments, I was humbled. It is a lesson in cursory judging the elderly by what you see in the present, without "turning the cup over to see the brand", so to speak. All of us at one time or another, have visited "old folks homes". We see some sad images of those whose afflictions, the ravages of time, have changed them completely. What we see, is not what we get. Aging problems eventually catch up with all of us and it isn't the fault of any individual. Some persons who were great athletes, some who were professionals and saved lives, helped the needy, ran huge corporations, built bridges, made surgical magic or laboured all their lives to contribute what they were, could end up in a wheel chair or hospital bed. It comes to all of us, as my aged father-in-law once or twice said. And it does. Elders love to chat with people because often it is what they do best. Why not sit down next to someone and say hello. You just might learn some interesting history about that person, should he or she find you would welcome such an investment in time. Very often when we think about our grandparents, we regret not having spent more opportunities  finding out about their lives. Perhaps taking time to talk to others who are "of an age" might satisfy that need. History was made in every life and all lives, not just the ones that can point to the newspaper or  a book that has their name. All of the famous in the past were put there in some way by the "little man or woman". No great achievements are accomplished single-handedly. Aging folks who want to share their lives are giving us an invaluable gift. We are thankful for their golden lives.

Wielding Wheels

Driving a car is taken for granted until the threat of losing your license due to age, looms. It's true that perhaps your reaction time isn't as swift, and that your eyesight, though good enough, works a little slower than it used to, but you still retain the same need to get around as previously. And the irony is, that even the drivers who rant at elders are going to find out what that's all about some day. When you reach the truly tender age beyond the employed years, you find there are a whole lot of hurdles that occur the day you retire. Suddenly, the world regards you as some kind of non-person idiot. You must go and get tested to do what you did the day before with perfect ease and facility. You are asked embarrassing questions and cooed at disrespectfully, as though you are mentally inept. Fortunately, I have not experienced this personally, but I hear it from the many others who have. Trying to convince those who think that old age is a incurable disease that disables you knowing how to do anything at all, is hopeless. Most people insulted in this manner, suffer it out because they haven't the energy to fight it. Driving a car is essential, especially to people who need to get to medical appointments or facilities, to shop, to visit friends and relatives and attend recreation events. Most elders  try to drive during hours that are not busy as the rush hours. They usually travel well-known routes and stay fairly close to home. Some drive the speed limit, not over nor under, which appears to annoy other drivers who don't. Few drive what the sign says, unless there is a police car around. The matter of being road tested is stressful to anyone, but to seniors who fear that their driver's licence could be whipped away from them after a lifetime of safe and careful driving, is terrifying. And now they are being forced to do so more than anyone else. How is that for democracy? I know a case where the driver in the family is no longer there, and the remaining member cannot drive, having given up his license. There is no family. He has no one to take him here and there. He is too embarrassed to ask relative strangers to drive him where he needs to go. Taxis are costly and public transportation, for this person, is not possible because he has mobility issues. Oh yes, I hear callous individuals say "no problem; he can sign himself into a home or get a care worker in, or  take a taxi or a shuttle service".  Easy to say, not easy to do. Some elders who live alone and are incapacitated somewhat, find the matter of schedules and making arrangements dealing with dates and times, very difficult. Many are movement challenged. They have arthritis and other problems with dashing around trying to catch buses or trains, to decipher schedules and make calls that involve button pushing and no actual person on the line to get specifics from. It's a world made for those who are young, fast moving and familiar with speed and electronics. Some elders are not computer users or cell phone owners and fear learning them. Younger persons don't get it. "They need to learn how to use electronics", "Their bus is right outside the door", "They're too darn slow" are statements made by those not yet at that stage. It ain't what it looks like, folks! Being old is not golden; it's a huge challenge. Be helpful. Be understanding and please don't be patronizing, I ask not only for the grandparent set, but also for you. It's you in the future and it's inevitable. You might be helping yourself!