Assertive Or Offensive

One of the more recent trends is for women to be assertive. And that's all very well, but how one is assertive is the question. Those who merely tapped into the matter of this useful tool without examining the finer points, may have misunderstood what assertiveness means. What it doesn't mean, is blurting out your standpoint in aloud and offensive way. That simply doesn't get anywhere but the exit door. I know one particular woman who announced proudly to me that she used not to be assertive, but by golly, she had changed, and now she was going to speak her mind. Unfortunately, this individual went about speaking her mind but in a way that offended others. When she found that her approach was ill received, she waved it aside saying that she didn't care because no one was going to push her around any more. Oops! Expressing your viewpoint is not driving a bulldozer through the opinions and ideas of others. You can be calmly and courteously adept at getting your statement firmly across without being loud, nasty or crass. The latter only makes others put up fences that keep you and your mouth out of their space forever. So what is the middle road? The folks who I have found to be most enjoyable at stepping into the light and telling it like it is, rather than shying away, are those who use a little courtesy and humour. A certain doctor I recall, when in a tight social situation was a master of this tactic and achieved her purpose without causing rifts. Even though her arguments were strong in nature, she had a way of presenting them so that they were appreciated and taken seriously. While I am an advocate of women's equality, I, also, know that their manner is different than males and that's perfectly acceptable. A soft voice and good manners don't mean one is a shrinking violet. They take nothing away from making valid points when such are given confidently and correctly with both feet on the ground, well planted. As a matter of fact, some women can do this masterfully, if I might use that expression! I think of famous women now and historically who are highly successful leaders and rulers who wear, not guns, but hats, chiffon and carry a purse.

Need Or Want

Some people are conjoined to their cell phones. They use them constantly often for no reason other than habit, while yet others need them to do business or make contact that isn't available any other way practically speaking. I got a smart type phone with internet and so on when I was in the moving process and found it helpful. But now that I am settled, it sits there charging and never rings nor do I use it. The main reason it's not used is that I am close to the US border and their towers are so powerful that they leave me lacking on my side. Fearing some of the horror stories about huge charges for discontinuing cell services, I hesitated. But when I called the company, I found that ending the service would cost far less than waiting for it to run out. Furthermore, I could keep the phone.  I am told the unit will still  pick up services free from all sorts of businesses that offer them. Also someone told me that 911 calls will go through, service or not. While I have not tried these, I did cancel my cell phone. I simply do not use it. The company was polite and accommodating and I save a few hundred in the long run. But I began to think seriously about what I really needed electronically and electrically and what I only thought I needed. I looked at the little appliances sitting on my counter top. Did I really need a slow cooker when I could do exactly the same thing in my oven, timer settings and all? Was it necessary to have a panini grill when I already have a dandy fry pan and spatula? Should I have both a toaster oven and a toaster with bagel possibilities? One will do. Is a rice cooker necessary or a big steamer? A small gizmo that is easy-clean and pops into a pan works the same way. We see ads that make these things so appealing we think we can save time thus money, but really they are simply duplications that just take up space. And I don't know about you, but my urban condo kitchen gives me very little storage albeit being very attractive stone and steel. The same goes for clothing. How many pairs of jeans do I need? How many handbags? I could go on and on. I used to shop with someone who continuously and maddening asked me constantly "Do you really need that?" But now, I see the sense in the question. Do I? Do you?

Nice Works

Today was one of the busiest days of the year. When I started off for the mall, the traffic was thick. People waited and followed when someone took their purchases to their cars and then asked if they were leaving and could they use the spot. It seems a rather odd way of finding a parking place, but it apparently works. In the store it could have been madness but I noticed that most shoppers had that Christmas spirit and made humour out of tight situations where aisles were filled and shopping carts were suffering traffic jams. I also noticed that other people were in a great hurry and impatient and angry looking. And those around them had unpleasant expressions. At that moment, I decided to try to be especially neighbourly and it worked. It doesn't take much effort to greet someone or let them pass by or say excuse me or the famous Canadian word, "sorry" apologetically. I saw that those who found a moment to smile or begin a conversation with someone if they had a wait, made everyone around them smile, too. I ran into a very trying situation when I got home and the cable company who offered a special deal handed me from one to another to yet another person over my account. When I got to the fourth person, she had evidently been harassed previously, and her first terse words using "maam" in a overly business-like way, showed that a little  TLC was in order if I wanted to get anywhere. I used her name when I spoke with her. That's the first step in good feelings. She sounded as though her day was not good. I wanted to pursue my account  situation peaceably to its end and when she said she would have to hand me on to another helper, I could have become most annoyed but instead, I thanked her for her patience and said that would be fine, Rachel. She seemed surprised and told me that she wanted to help me but there were so many aspects to finding the answer to my question, that she could not, herself, give me the information, but she would find someone who could and would I hold for a moment. Rather than complaining, I said, I appreciate that and yes, I will hold. What's a few minutes? Events ran much more smoothly from then on in spite of the half-hour session. At the end of the entire business, I learned something about the services her company offered and also how to manoeuver in the site. I was rewarded with my patience by a couple of freebies at the conclusion. She and I exchanged seasonal greetings and when I hung up, I felt like a satisfied customer. Being nice, paid off. Literally. It's that small extra word in a friendly way, or being understanding of how difficult some clerical jobs are, that gets you not only better service, but also makes the individual who serves you, feel better. Being nice is catching.  

The Gifted

My gift list grows smaller. It's that stage in life. By the way, in case you didn't know aging goes by "stage", not chronological age being that the state of your body designates your "stage". You begin to lose your old pals and relatives. Or those on the list, move away and you seldom hear from them; you lose touch. No sense becoming all dewy eyed about it, that's the way it is. The world has changed not only in a physical sense, its personality has also. People are busy and more concerned about spending money than anything else. Christmas demands that there are gifts. Gifts are, of necessity, supposed to be stylish and practical at the same time. The gift card is becoming a standard present and while it seems kind of commercial, it makes sense. Gramma's knitted sweaters although treasured in the heart are never worn other than for a joke. They don't fit today's mini-space apartment and condo closets. Even Nana's attempts to accommodate the tastes of her gifteds by crocheting scarves, are a waste of time. The fashion conscious receivers like to coordinate their own scarf wardrobes. So what is one to do? Maybe knitting a set of shopping sacks would work since plastic bags are becoming something of the past. Unfortunately, plastic cards aren't. More and more people are giving food including sweets or home-baked items. What could be better than something home-made? Mass production still can't devise the kind of shortbread that mother did or Christmas cakes as pungent in their massed fruits and nuts, as  your grandmother baked. A very best gift is presence. Yours. Go see your loved ones. It takes time but the rewards are overwhelming and memorable. Some make jams or sauces to give. I recall a dear aunt who, at one point, due to health reasons, was on welfare. She used to find farm produce in the summer and bottle it. To get one of her loaves of bread and jars of peaches or apricots, pickles or relish, was a treasured gift that lasted a long, long time after the season. She got back later when the jars were returned. Some families make up wish lists and post them on the fridge or kitchen notice board. And these are usually modest and achievable - and best of all, used when the wrappings are off. The hardest wish lists to deal with, are the ones,  by small children whose wants go well beyond reality. Children do not deal in realities. But realities are points of gentle discussion and learning that love and giving, are the least costly and easiest done, to make the most perfect gift of all. Children can make gifts that show their love. To all, a happily Loving Holiday!

THE Tree

Christmas trees are no longer the "real" kind. At least not where I live. Not allowed. Plastic only. Fire restrictions. Putting up The Tree used to be a major operation. First, you asked around where the best ones were to cut down. No one "in the day" was concerned about property lines and tree-chopping regulations. You simply piled into the car, went to some wooded place, parked the vehicle at the roadside and tramped into the woods to find the right tree. You cut it down, dragged it out and took it home. Then, there was the great fuss about getting it up. After last year having your tree fall over fully decorated  because the cheap holder Mom bought at the five and dime, gave out or was too small, the neighbourhood dads got their heads together  and the alpha guy, Mr. Hall, who could build anything, showed them his secret formula for banging up a tree stand that was nailed right to the trunk of the fir or pine - and it couldn't fall over. You couldn't get it off for next year, either. My dad was a lovely fellow but he was just not a carpenter. Our tree, even with Mr. Hall's sage advice, did receive my father's home-made stand, but there was always a sort of lean to it. We tried many tricks to make it look straight. "A little more tinsel on this side" or "maybe if we turn it a bit" or "let's try it in the corner" sufficed. Eventually, the tree that smelled exactly like Christmas ought to smell, was up, the decorations were on and the presents were put under it. I do not recall "watering" the tree which didn't seem to make much sense because sap stops running in the winter. Anyway, it wasn't up all that long. In those days, Christmas did not start in November and go on until mid-January. A few days before the twenty-fifth, in went the tree and after New Year's it went out, sadly, or not, depending upon what kinds of Christmases you remember. The Tree today,  is not a tree but a plastic creation that has no scent. The lights are already wired on the branches and some even come with decorations in place. The thing folds up like an umbrella and the only needles that drop are the ones someone loses as they stitch on the sparkling décor ribbons with the wire edges. The "tree" these days becomes a  feature that has to match things. They are not trees any more, they are "mood setters" or "designer dream decor". Gifts under the tree also have to match and be  gorgeous creations to "go" with the room's current theme for the season. This year it's turquoise. Christmas is not a scent from the tree you found in the woods with your dad. It's not hung with the familiar old decorations that your grandparents treasured year after year. We didn't worry about "theme" in those days. All that, is gone. You can no longer take the tree out into the backyard to burn and dance around it while the fragrant smoke rises and the tinsel you didn't get off, curls up so you know the season is over. Makes me wonder what Christmas memories we make now? What do we hold dear this season to remember for the next? Turquoise?

Charisma

Charisma is not really a compliment when applied. It simply means that the person described possesses the kind of magical charm and grace, that draws other people to them. It's a kind of human magnet that, like it or not, pulls in others by the powers of this special trait. We've all been taken in, sooner or later, by those who have this gift, or perhaps, curse. The best teachers and politicians own such peculiar power. We find ourselves charmed by whatever it is that makes us unabashedly adore them. We've all suffered, or savoured, the effects of our enchantments. I can think of charismatic sorts who are unaware of their unique powers and while having them, are just as surprised by them as those who flock about. They learn to use the gift either positively or negatively. Examples of the positive sort, we all know, are among others, The Kennedys, The Royals and a bevy of Hollywood actors. Diana of the second group was a prime purveyor of charisma. Her beauty and doe-eyed presence took us all in. We grieved when she died and made her an icon of the sad princess whom no one understood. But really, the good works of this kind are done as well, by others and they are not so worshipped. Diana, simply, "had it" and even though other royalty may have been as benevolent, the public chose someone who met their need to admire a being, larger than life. The Kennedy family is another icon that bespeaks tragedy, power and wealth but who catch our attention at their very name. We are attracted by those who have endless amounts of money, such as the Hilton sisters and others, who adorn and adore themselves for us to gaze on admiringly and not without a lot of envy, or perhaps, scorn.  We love to consume tales of our favorite actors and their escapades. When one dies, it is like a personal loss. Why is this? It's part of our need to idealize and identify the harmless fairytale we can enter without cost. In our own simpler, less illustrious lives, we also find  icons to admire and want to be near, if not emulate. I suppose it is the Alpha Factor as in the animal family that makes it so appealing. But lovely as charisma can be, it is also dangerous. Not all of those we are attracted to, have our best interests in mind. Some of that alpha kind use their very strong powers to carry out  unsavory designs. The worst criminals we read about or see, often have this uncanny ability, to make others carry out self-serving plans. Gang leaders, political heads of state and religious fanatics use this power for negative ends. And even in our own social circles we know men and women who are not the friends they purport to be and when found out, are our greatest disappointments. But the charismatic influences in our lives that have us doing good, as they should, are our finest hopes.