Change Is Good

Change is an uncomfortable thing for many, but it is like diving into a strange lake. I have a friend, last time I checked, with whom I went driving in the country on a very  hot summer day. The AC was off and a scorching breeze was flowing in the windows. Suddenly she pulled off to the side of the road, got out, partly disrobed and dived into the lake adjacent. I was astounded. "What on earth possessed you to dive into strange water," I gasped when she returned dripping wet. She looked at me as she started the engine, still partly dressed and cool, while I remained seething in my poly cottons.  She replied, "I was hot" and proceeded to drive on. After a small silence, I said, "You could have waited for me." I thought that might put her in her place. She came to a gravel clouded stop at the next turn and faced me. "Get out and dive in, then." I laughed and didn't, but I got her point. What she was saying, was "do it". Change sometimes means, do it. Just do it. Most do-its, turn out well. A little or maybe a lot of thought is necessary, but after that kind of consideration, just do it. The hardest part of "doing it" is other people. They think they know what you want, but mostly it is what they want you to want. Or think you ought to want. Who knows what someone else needs? Most of us have needs that are private and personal. We have our reasons for what we would like and often we deny ourselves these things because we are worried that someone else may not approve. It is important to consider others in making decisions, but the primary matter is what you think and what affects you when the decision is made. Like my friend who dived into the lake and took a chance, it was a thoughtful one. I am sure before she dived, she looked into the depths to see if there were hazards - being the good and brave person she was. I am sure she cared about me, when she stopped to park and when she knew I wanted to cool off too, she pulled over again.  With change goes caution but after the latter, the former is mere choice. An about-turn is refreshing and while it doesn't always work out, if the consequences have been analysed, it is that leap into the water of change that often makes for a kind of  renewal and rebirth.

Bucket Now

There was an old, old man, I once knew, blind and in a wheel chair, who chuckled about his English childhood and loved to recount  tales of his boyhood. They always ended with "I wish I had gone back there." It was too late. When he died, his family enjoyed the fruits of his labours and remembered their father and grandfather often and his words, "I wish...". His regrets should be a lesson to all. Don't wait to make up your bucket list, do it now. Do it before it's too late. When the list is finished, begin to work down all of your wishes and wants. Some BLs are relatively easy to accomplish. Things like, I've always wanted to be a red head, are not impossible. A trip to the grocery store shelf will make that one come true. Could be a hair nightmare,
 but at least you got it out of your system even though not out of your hair!  Watch out for the dangerous ones such as skydiving, marathon running and downhill skiing. They need second thoughts or you may find yourself in the daisy field too soon. The oft spoken, lose twenty pounds of flesh, is  popular.  In fact, it gets star billing in January after the festive feasts. It lasts only a couple of guilt-laden weeks and is forgotten until next year. Learning how to knit is a challenging item on the BL. That's how ugly scarves are born. And who doesn't need them? They make good pillow stuffers and car wipes. Some even end up as garden ties when unknit gradually. I know because I am a very good ugly scarf knitter. My scarves tend to have small threads hanging out after tying them off to add new wool. The next item on the list is, how do I knit in the ends of the wool so that they don't hang out after tying.  I leave them there, thinking they are a sort of marker to show where one woolball ends and another begins. It also reminds me of how many times I had to unravel and start over after a large hole of unknown origin appears. I tie them again, but the ends dangle in evidence of incompetence yet again. On second thought, strike that one off the list.  Some BLs include going to see old friends and they are the best of the list. It takes a good deal of courage to travel afar and stand in front of your old high school sweetheart's door to say howdy and shake his or her hand. When that door opens, what you see is yourself standing in the present remembering the past. The person doing the same, breaks into a smile and you know that it was all worth the search. Some  BLs are expensive but what's money for when you are almost at the end of your journey? Used to be that parents saved up their hard-earned for their kids but now the kids don't want it or need it or sometimes even appreciate it, so spend it. You worked it; you deserve it. Not a bad idea, however, to retain a bit for a decent memorial, but otherwise, enjoy what you slaved for all those years.  And do it without guilt.  Carpe diem.

Know The Bad

In a relationship, the bad is sometimes what breaks people up. Anything painful is not good. Taking a second look at a broken up relationship, one must examine why it happened. Some simply move on and live with the scars. Often, a bad break-up continues into the next one, no one having learned from the first experience. We all have bad in us. Often times, we can't see it, but it is there, lurking. It could be that we are critical or demanding or possessive or have an annoying habit. And it's okay to have those things as our personal traits but when we share our lives with others, they need to work for someone else, too.  So, okay, you are perfect. That's good, but let's take a look at the other person in the relationship. What are their bads and what have you done about it. Maybe you have to change. Before any relationship, set down your rules to make it work and tell your partner what they are and what the consequences will be. For example, Rule Number One might be, no other romantic interests going on, "friendships", texting etc.  The consequences for breaking Rule Number One are "Poof. Over".  Stick to your rules and you win. Shilly shally and you lose. You need to win. Sure it's hard, but do it for your own sake. You need to have self-respect to survive and to move on to another relationship that is better. If you don't find another one, it's better to love yourself than stay with someone who doesn't. Saves a lot of agony. It may take time but you will more than likely end up the winner. In making up your rules, be sure that they are ones you can live with yourself. The fewer the rules, the easier and the better. In a relationship, there needs to be renewal. Passion has a habit of fading into something else and men are not as good at romance as women. There are exceptions of course. It is, therefore, the female part of things, to set the scene for romance. I hear long-married women say, we haven't made love for ages. That's bad. Next question is: and what have you done about it? Answer: find out how to get it back. And fast. There is a load of advice on the subject in magazines, on line, in groups. If you are too shy, remember how the romance began and do a re-run. It's never too late.

Try Plan B

So okay, Plan A didn't work. Turn to Plan B or the new Plan A. There are some who spend a lot of time ranting and agonizing over the fact that Plan A didn't work: whose to blame, what didn't work, what is a mess, how awful the future will be. Hey, there IS a Plan B. So waste no more time on Plan A. Forget it. Get right into Plan B. Look at it as something better and challenging and a scene that will work out. Not shall but will. We were made with our important stuff at the fronts of our heads: noses, mouths, eyes and ears directed that way. What's at the back? Nothing much to worry about. It follows wherever the front part decides to go. So let's follow what nature put there. Move on ahead. Forget Plan A and make B the better one. We can spend a lot of time and energy blabbing to everyone in sight why the first plan didn't work and why you think it didn't. Strangely, it seldom is the fault of anyone. It's just chance. Life is like that, things work or they don't, but if they don't, we have to carry on. Regardless. Giving up is not only wasting all the work you put into the first plan that didn't work while it could be used to bulk up, the second,  Plan B. Make some tweaks, add in something else, take out what was wrong and come up with another tactic. It might be a lot better in the long run. Sure, it may not fit in as easily as the first stab at it, but what have you got to lose?  Salvage the good bits, make new ones and move on. In our lifetimes we all err. It's human. There are folks who err and spend the whole rest of their only gift, life, in regret and sorrow. It's a choice. But when you come to the end of your journey, and all you have to claim is how long and well you grieved over something, it isn't much of a legacy. It's how you overcame those bad things that makes you the good person you are. You don't have to fix everything. That might be just too much. You need to try; that's all. It isn't victory over what you couldn't do but how hard you tried to get over it, that counts.