THE

The other day, I was called The Widow by a clod who had the sensitivity of a rock. Who wants to be a "The"? Maybe it's okay for dogs and cats, but we humans are individuals and seldom want to be named for what we are and not who we are. I guess doctors don't mind being called The Doctor or royalty, The King or Queen, due to those much honoured stations. In my case, it was an overheard remark meant to be demeaning in the back ground during a cell phone call."Ha ha, it's The Widow." But after thinking seriously about the matter, I found it even more disturbing due to the fact that my widowhood was not my choice and had been something I worked at diligently for two years to get over. I assumed that I had the widowhood designation behind me. Apparently some others didn't.  How long does it take for death's shadow to follow one around? Does the world continue to see some women as The Divorcee or The Spinster? It seems to fit into a discrimination category where all persons of one culture become one appellation such as The Martian. I suspect that even amongst Martians, there are different shades of green and luminosity of eyes. And while a Martian might be proud to be one and revere its planet's colour and fame, a widow is put into her position through no fault of her own and it's one she hopes to conquer. Helen or Julie or Alice and all other women once widows are unique women. They are home makers or business folk or artists or service people and they, like everyone else, have names! Please, in the name of courtesy, use them.

Cell Injuries

The cell phone has become the new way of communicating. Who doesn't have one slipped into a pocket or purse? What we used to think of as demented folk speaking to themselves, has become normal behaviour. The other day while walking in the park, a woman approached jogging and having a conversation. It was a hands-free device because both of her own were pumping iron as she ran. I was trying to listen to the birds of Fall, but she was muttering to someone about her tyrant boss. I doubt that she needed to use the park with its natural beauty if all she intended to do was talk on her phone. A gym would have sufficed since everyone in them now uses cell phones and treadmills simultaneously. And while these cell devices can do just about everything useful but wash the car, they can also cause self injury.  Yesterday, I phoned a so-called friend who accidentally pressed the open button when answering and I heard the unflattering unintentional comment. When I called again to confirm that I had indeed got the right number since I thought the person to be loyal, there was no answer and later the comment was denied. This accidental revelation about my now former-friend confirmed to me that cell phones have their down and dangerous side. I knew about the rudeness of filtering calls or rejecting them via the display, but having experienced my associate discovered in this unplanned way, made me realize why someone developed a gun-like holster for carrying cell phones. This time, the cell weapon backfired!

Walk The Talk

"She talks too much" I hear this comment frequently but the men who say it, don't hear themselves "talk". Some speak non-stop about their accomplishments, real or imagined, or sport scores and teams that they enjoy vicariously but they have trouble knowing how to communicate with ladies. Some are flatterers who think that women want to hear that sort of thing. Women will tolerate it for awhile but that game is temporary. What most women want is someone who talks about feelings and/or experiences other than things that involve balls being kicked, thrown, rolled around or hit. There is more to life. Life is about feelings and experiences that connect one human being to another. When a man says "come help me choose a shirt that you think is right" or "let's bake and cook together": now you have communication and participation! That's an invitation to romance. Sure you can go to games and enjoy them together and perhaps afterward talk about it briefly while gazing over a candle at the bistro. That satisfies both the guy and the gal. It's all about sharing life and talking about what you have shared. The "strong, silent" man is hiding behind his inability to communicate. He needs help to stop fearing that he can't speak coherently enough to feel successful with you. If your efforts to bring him out of his word prison fail, move on. A relationship isn't about curing someone and furthermore, lack of interaction verbally doesn't make the future of a relationship look very bright. When the hearts begin a regular cadence and the flowers fade, reality enters and you may need something more to cling to than "strong and silent". Questions such as "how do you feel about that"  or "I'd love to hear your opinion on" may work. When he does speak, listen.

Vanity Is Fair

So you want to look more attractive? Why, doesn't matter. That's your business but puhleese ladies, try harder. That doesn't mean you have to slap on so much make-up you look like something from a circus. It simply means, try harder. I do not want to hear " but that's not me". The you of you isn't working too well so it's time to try something new. I look at some older widows who appear sad and lonely and the first thing I think is, go shopping. Shop for brighter and livelier in whatever you choose and put a smile on your face. You can't change the past. This is a new day. Fix your hair. Tone it, lighten it, give it some life other than a blue rinse. And for goodness sake, don't cut it like a man and do not ever get a perm ball on your head. Perms, especially the ones with the tiny old lady curls all over make you look like a ball of bad wool. Soften up with highlights and gentle touchable curls if you must. Leave some length so it looks like hair and not a beard looking for a chin.  If you've always dreamed of being a blonde, now's the time. At least put in some highlights. Tone the grey to a nice ash blonde and forget dead black or brown dye. If you want brown, add some chestnut lights. Throw out the bulky suits and bag lady dresses. Chuck the clumpy shoes and thick stockings. Get  yourself something with a waist line and silky movement. Find shoes that have a little heel for comfort and ones that do the job but don't look like gramma's bed sox. Put on some make-up that glows and lipstick that is light and get your nails done.  Pluck, depilatory and perk up with underpinnings that make you feel young again on the outside. Use a scent that makes you feel light and pretty. There is no sin in feeling good about yourself. All it takes to lift your life is a good attitude and a full length mirror that says, hey girl!

Naggery

One of the worst phrases a woman can inflict on a man is "you should ...". Wives may be able to get away with this, but not lovers. It's called advice -giving and a man turns cold at those words. It is, unfortunately,  a rare girlfriend who doesn't gradually fall into wifely habits the longer she has been in a relationship, common law notwithstanding. It makes one cringe to see certain girlfriends, rattling off instructions and directions to the man she once admired at a respectful distance. Where this miserable flaw originates is mysterious. Could be from other women relatives or friends or merely the old "familiarity breeds contempt" place. Whatever it is and wherever it came from, it doesn't work. First, no one wants advice unless asked for and second, even then, it has to be doled out sparingly and tactfully. Sometimes it can be introduced with "May I make a suggestion?" There are times when the purple sock and the striped red one he is wearing, cry out for a piece of advice. Or when the turn-signal on his car has been clicking for half and hour and he doesn't hear it. Or when he is wearing part of his dinner-out on his beard. These sorts of times, advice is a kindness if not a duty. What makes me cringe to hear, is advice such as "you should wear this" or "you should not eat/drink that" or "this is how your place should look ". Those are personal choices that are what he is, and though they may drive you up the wall, that's where he came from when you found him and if you change him too much, even you might not like the new-and-improved version. I know there are desperate women who see their almost ideal man, one that needs just a-little-tweaking to become perfect, but that effort may be the very thing that sends him packing. Every woman has her limits fortunately, but take my advice, never, never should she accept The One who needs changing. Men might go underground with their annoying habits, but they never change.