Family Feuds

All families have them. Often times caused by a personal stress manifested in an uncalled for outburst that is harsh and viewed as unforgiveable, one that is  hurtful, however, is just part of the family way. Life happens as they, whoever that is, says. What to do when it happens to you? First, attempt to quell the wrath that emanates rather than answering the nasty accusations. They are not meant seriously. They are merely old wounds re-surfacing and maybe they are better out in the open rather than festering away. Always they are curable but if the issue is too hot at a given moment, give it a rest until things cool down and later try again. As my cousin tells me repeatedly, "blood is thicker than water". You cannot disown a relative no matter how hard you try. DNA doesn't go away. Stresses also disappear after a time and then regret is sure to replace it. Leave the door shut but unlocked. You have your own life to continue and worrying about mean things that someone close says, has only the worth you give it. Give it none. It was said in haste and uncontrolled emotion so let it lie there until the "hot coal" spends itself. Your job is not to fix. That belongs to someone else. Family always comes first.

Real State

We've all enjoyed the old TV show and movies called The Beverly Hillbillies. Not long after, another show called Moving On Up came along. While the two were based on nouveau riche themes, each took a different slant. The hillbillies struck oil, became rich and moved to up-scale Beverly Hills. Their re-location didn't change them. The Moving On Up family took on classy, or so they thought, digs but it took a young nephew  to keep them from the dangers of pride. These days, particularly in big cities this happens. Ordinary or common folk are selling their homes for exhorbitant prices and "moving on up". Or so they think. Most of them have some balance and find a place that fits their former lifestyle but a few foolishly throw in their new-gained lucky money to buy  high-end homes in "better" neighbourhoods where the truly rich abide in a social realm that is unknown to our new-found hillbillies. While new found bucks have purchasing power, this kind soon learns that you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Not that there is anything wrong with a sow's ear.  These types soon find out they are the same as they were before with a bit more icing on top. Top of the roof, that is. It is sad to see this happening. Sometimes they drop their old friends thinking that NOW they have made it and there is a need to rise up and above and leave their former lives behind. And the illusion works for awhile. The part that doesn't work is that tragically they don't fit into their new sphere socially. No matter how fancy schmancy the surroundings, it simply doesn't change people. Often these naive sorts go out of their way to become part of their new environment but somehow they are out of sync. The result can be that they are soon found out and are patronized but not wholly  included. Many are disappointed and move back to their old neighbourhood realms where they don't have to try so desperately to keep up with the Joneses or the Kents down the block with all of their style, position and elan that is borne only of blue blood and not a thin coat of blue paint.

Cyber Snipers

Cyber snipers or bullies,  are those who attempt to harm others using e mail or similar electronic abettors to hide behind while "spreading negative news" they aim to be trouble. These perps of little thought, often teens, are not above misconceiving text and fabricating nonsense out of it to circulate malicious gossip for the purpose of gaining status and  attention. These sorts of cowards think spreading bits of infamy about someone else will elevate them to higher places in their society.  It doesn't work that way. First, gossip while originally often received with enthusiasm, will eventually cause the receiver to "shoot the messenger". In short, the messenger becomes a purveyor of dirt and is thus soiled.  Another form of cyber sniping is the Dear John or Jane letter via e mail.  Doing something so serious as leaving someone requires  discussion. Stomping off electronically in anger  backfires.  Talking it out works best no matter what the outcome. Being a writer is also an interesting place that opens one to the cyber sniper. One writes from life but not  directly unless in non-fiction. What happens first, is an idea and then the writer extracts from a kaleidoscope of personal experiences and imaginary scenarios a way to express a point or tell a story. Readers on the other hand have the responsibility of realizing what writers do and are. When a piece of writing is taken out of context and used maliciously, as happens many times in the paparazzi, it becomes both a dangerous and often, a legal matter. How do we stop this chicken-hearted form of meanness? Cyber bullies should be sent out to solitary pasture and forced to leave all hand-held devices at the gate. Contemplation may see them eventually become human once again.

Book 'Im Dano

The old TV cop series, Hawaii Five O, was one of the great escapes of an evening. Dano was the sidekick of the star and at a crucial moment, Dano, the newie, got to read the perp's rights as the hero sauntered off to the tune of the theme. But some fiction authors, including some award winning ones, ought to be booked. There are three kinds of writers: first, the poor ones who have something important to say and are forgiven colourless language or the second kind who haven't much to say but write so beautifully no one cares. Third, are the best writers, often unrecognized as "best sellers" who do both. Language in fiction and even non-fiction, is all important. It should resonate, it should excite thought, it should delight, it should be the music of the brain. If it doesn't do that, it is either a report or a waste of time. A week ago, I found a new book on the shelf in the library, one of the seven-day-loan kind. It had won a prestigious award. I opened the pages and anticipated something I couldn't find. Where was the plot? Where was the delight? Where was the intelligence? The usage was perfect. The theme, contemporary: family secrets out, rape, incest, religious issues, murder - but where was the kick, where was the thing that made me want to say mmmm or even be eager to turn the next page? Blah, blah, on it went until during breakfast coffee on the book's seventh day, I gave up and closed it, reaching, instead, for a button to turn on the TV lastest news. Being a secret book critic has its advantages. You can return your best sellers and no one cares to ask whether you finished it or not. The retribution was that the first two-thirds of the pages had food stains and goodness knows what other kinds, while the last third that I actually got into, were pristine. It made me wonder how many pages the judges of the award read. The tale dragged on and on until all of us potential readers gave up in utter boredom. I wanted to plead with this writer: give me a clue as to where we are heading, check back with me once in a while,  despite the little meanderings keep me on the road to the end, and thrill me once in awhile before bidding me a mutually sad goodbye. As I dropped the "best seller" into the library slot, I yearned for Sheilds and King and Atwood and yes, Poe, all true story-tellers.

Pyrotechnic Emotions

Pyrotechnic emotions or explosions of feeling pent up are usually the result  of a bundle of unsaid things. You know the elephant under the carpet tale. Strangely, these gripes are not the result of what has been done but of things one thinks have been done that cause the collateral damage. And often what one thinks has been done is actually what one does all by oneself to oneself. If you've been the receiver of an "explosion",  it is big surprise and an unpleasant one to be sure. Why are we inclined to allow inner feelings to fester away inside rather than get them out there early before they become a volcano that erupts? How much better it is to talk it out rather than to hide behind pride and the fear of facing the truth. Truth requires looking frankly at oneself and that isn't easy. Yes, looking at oneself, not at others. Personal jealousies, envies,  sore spots and all sorts of other internal flaws roil around inside because we  fear having to look at our own weaknesses. "See what you made me do?" is a famous very bad excuse. No one makes you do anything. You choose to do or feel it, all by yourself. Your insecurities are not the fault of others causing them. They are your "kids"; you "birthed" them. Okay, so how do you pick up the pieces and fix the problem?  First, admit to yourself what is bothering you and why you reacted inappropriately. Second, find out how you can fix yourself in order to heal this problem that you have. Third, if you exploded, go to the victim and apologise, then report what happened and how you plan to change the situation. Don't tell them what to do but what you will do. This might include discussion about what is bothering you. Their forgiveness and understanding may be the first step to cure. But your understanding of yourself is tantamount. These are very hard jobs in clearing up the mess, but that's the only permanent way. Burying the issue just makes that elephant grow bigger. You have to respect yourself and hope that others will reciprocate. If they don't, they're the ones who have work to do.

Tilt And Toss

There are many gambits to flirtation, but the most charming sort is the hair and head "tilt and toss". While some use merely the tilt and not the toss, usually due to over-shortness of hair-supply in spite of clip-in extensions, there is nothing quite as effective as both T and T. The tilt can be used by the neatly trimmed sporty sorts while using the eyes as a complimentary enhancement. This is done by waiting for an appropriate moment and then coyly bending the head to one side and peering promisingly into another's eyes.  While it is adequate during flirtation, it is only a temporary measure to the ambition of full engagement. And then we have the hair-toss without the tilt, that is practiced mostly by tanned blonds on sunny California sidewalks and beaches. The toss is best displayed in full sunlight for it causes the tresses to glisten as the rays playfully cavort amongst the strands. However, combining the two stratagems, both tilt and toss, we witness the epitome of perfection. Here not only does the performer use the means of the angle that defies normal gravity, he/she adds motion as well.  Asymmetry does have its methods of intrigue. Of course, these ploys must have accompanying aids. Being in the right place at the right time is not all. One must add the necessary accoutrement's to give the full effect to the T and T, to "bring home the bacon", so to speak. A good shampoo and hair style are essential. Add shine to the hair and make sure it is long enough for the toss and then practice regularly until the strands fling out and far. Curly-haired folk need to invest in hot irons to get this right. Caution: always take care with the neck movement. You need the neck for the tilt portion of the exercise. Once you have the correct stance and hair, the right kind of tilt comes next. Again, the mirror as abettor works best, especially the full-length variety - the mirror, that is. This is a whole body endeavor. After perfecting the T and T to a maximum degree, you are ready to enter the real world to try out your new-found talent. At first, you may be regarded as odd but gradually you will, with practice, find your own level of competence. Warning: this advice will not be responsible for damaged vertebrae or incomplete relationships.

Just Too Too

Everyone likes nice people and everyone wants to be nice. But there are some who are just too too nice to bear. You know what I mean. We had one  at work who was so nice we wanted to run when she approached.  She was like sticky toffee. She would ooze up and coo compliments on you about everything and anything. She'd force on you her gooey home-made-just-for-you cookies and send you memos with  i's dotted in little hearts. She'd put smiley faces on  documents and teddy bears on the staff room table. The huggings instead of good mornings were the last straw. We were tired of sneaking our coffee down to the furnace room to escape Ms Niceness. It wasn't the sort of thing you could readily report to the boss. "Mr. Boss, we don't like the niceness that's going on around here." It was a complaint hard to put into words. One of the staff elders, a very nice lady, volunteered to do the job. When she returned to the furnace room to report her success, she hung her head and told us she hadn't been able to do it. Ms Niceness had offered to adopt the kitten her cat had just birthed.  It was like belling the cat! Our last desperate attempt was to be accomplished during a staff meeting. The union head, a rather gruff but loveable guy, would bring up the topic at the end of the next staff meeting. He had the gift of saying the right thing at the right time. At the  meeting's end, he cleared his throat and began to rise to do the  deed.  But just at that moment, the boss, grinning from ear to ear, stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen, I want to announce that I am being married and transferred next week to head office. My fiance ..." and he gestured to Ms Niceness herself who waggled the diamond on her left hand.  The sound of our loud cheering must have been heard right down to the furnace room itself.

Why Wise?

One of the most human and most difficult questions to answer, is "why". The who, what, where, when and how are simple compared to "why"? Around three years of age, the first five are answered easily by parents but when the "why"s begin about the fourth year of their kids' lives, they have trouble being so glib. The reason is that Why - we'll give it a name -  brings in all sorts of complications. On the query, there are many reasons along with the answers, some complex and elusive, that would or could take hours to define completely. Answering Why also brings in personal impressions and judgements. Someone might ask Why about a friend or relative and suddenly you are forced to plunge into your own personal trunk of feelings, thoughts and experiences to give a proper answer. Often times you have to expose your own prejudices. "Why doesn't Daddy like Uncle Julius?" asks your five year old. Because he's too smart? Because he drinks like a fish? Because he hoards money? Because he's jealous of him? We all know that sort of question and it's seldom answered openly simply because there is no definitive reason, as in this case. Why does the car squeal when it is in reverse, might have an answer that makes sense.  Not that my mechanic has discovered it to date, but it is an example of a Why question that dealing with it might  make proveable sense. Most of them don't. Why does Uncle Joe have no hair? Why does Aunt Mamie's apple pie taste like fuel oil? The imagination soars. Fortunately, four year olds are content pretty much with whatever answer rolls out. "Just because" sometimes works. And if you have the time to expound, most four year olds are off to their WiFis about the time the last word in your long explanation is spoken anyway. Some wise Why-solvers of difficult queries, merely blurt, "Sorry dear, can't do it now, gotta take this call. Catch you later."