Protect Yourself

An elderly neighbour of mine, no longer with us unfortunately, when I was entering a new relationship, took my arm, looked into my eyes and said "protect yourself". I was shocked since I knew her little. She had been through the war as what we had called the "enemy", and when her marriage faltered, went off to remain, for the rest of her life, alone. I assumed she was merely bitter about other romances after her own failed. But, at the time, involved completely in my new "friend" and all that revolved around that phase, found the warning rather distasteful. I assumed she was speaking solely of her own bitter experiences. Since that time, I fully understand what she meant. And I am not proud to say that she is absolutely correct. One does have to prepare for the rollercoaster of complexities in relationships. They all have similarities. The first part of the structure, and it is a kind of construction, appears everlasting and strong, unyielding to all the faults of any other you've ever heard of. You are in the "honeymoon" period. You float on a cloud. Then you begin to come down, in the ensuing steps, to earth and the practicalities occur. What you thought was permanent, takes on some serious cracks and what comes through them, causes big doubts. Working at it harder will fix everything, you believe, but the cracks widen into fissures and the fissures into valleys. And the energy it takes to keep your head above the dark water down there, falters until finally, reality dawns, and you see what so easy to ignore previously, just as it is. The choice being, to continue and work even harder, or to give it all up and get on with what you really want, and need in your own life. The test is the material the relationship was built on. Was it sand or solid rock? The rest is history. You take the steps necessary for yourself and that's what you need to do. Saying that, is easy. Doing it, is very, very hard. It is what my neighbour was speaking of: "protect yourself". It seems a selfish matter to "protect yourself" when there is someone else to consider. But, in the long run, all you have is the "you" that is you. You can't love unless you first love yourself, I am told. And it's true. You have to know yourself and what your needs are and to assess whether your relationship is giving you what you need. But you also have to provide for the other in the set: what is needed by that individual and that's the hard part. Can you do it? Can you keep yourself and what you need and still give? If not, then you have a hard decision to make. You can't drown in the morass of someone else's problems and still be helpful to them. They have to deal with their own dilemmas, the ones they own and you, with yours.  Most of the time, the middle mess of relationships can be worked out and come out stronger and more resilient than ever, but frequently, the balance is so tipped to one side, that it's safer and wiser to survive, to move on and find a haven that allows you to be what you are." Protect yourself." You're all you came with and all that you have.