Dirty Secrets

Well, okay the word "dirty" was a hook, I have to admit. But the "secrets" part was absolutely genuine. Like all of you, come on, I, too, have some nasty secrets. One of them is Cheesewhiz. My more astute cheese-educated pals sneer and jest about CW, but I suspect they may have slipped from  time to time and actually bought  the odd jar of CW. Otherwise how do they know so much about it? I call this kind of individual, a food snob. I run with those wolves but I do have my little secrets. To me, there is nothing better and more comforting on a dark and windy night with a mystery in one hand and a thick slice of CW slathered bread garnished with ketchup to munch.  You can have your  pea chips and no-fat dip, granola bars and trail mix. Sometimes, I want fats and false flavours that roil around in my mouth and tantalize my taste buds. Cuddled up, novel in hand, a cosy blankie around me, and I am a kid again reading under the covers with a flashlight. Yes, and sometimes I get the unreal smooth peanut butter. The purists out there will have shuddered off by now and all that's left is us - and our dirty secrets. We indulge. We need to at times. In a restaurant where real people can see, I order the slim side of the menu. Everyone at the table is watching and the conversation invariably  turns to gyms and dieting. What else can one do in this sort of public eye, but order rabbit food: lettuce with tofu in light dressing, gluten free bread no butter, two stalks of celery in a Caesar? There is no dessert of course. My slender friends with good knees, unlike mine, jog every morning in their cute outfits and sweat together at the gym three days a week or more. I beg off with my tome of handy excuses and size L. They don't think I can sense their eye-balls-to-the-ceilings when I say, not this week, thank you.  It's okay because when I go home, I can reach to the very back of the fridge behind the light mayo jar and pull out the CW or smooth peanut butter and enjoy private pleasures. My bathroom scale is actually rusting behind the fixture. I leave it there for appearances sake and occasionally change the battery, but I try not to step on it. It is quite a bore, always giving me the same numbers, exercise or not. I have to say that I do eat a well rounded diet every day, two meals full of nutrients but when push comes to shove, there are times when only my secret stash of no-no foods will suffice. The world and its ills, the cranky boss, the snooty neighbours, the mean comments, the scary headlines all disappear when the CW goes on the bread and a squirt of ketchup decorates the top in a pretty little red heart. Now, where did I put the latest novel by...munch, munch, munch. Mmmmmm.