Dying

Dying is hard to do and too many people I love are doing or did, just that. It's hard to watch, too, from any angle. And even though it's going to happen to everyone, it isn't a subject we like to think about or deal with but it does enter our minds often. Someone I loved, a dear, dear close friend I knew since youth,  just died. Yes, he died; he didn't pass or fade away, or go somewhere that I know of, he simply died. But what does that mean? It's not a kind word, "die". It means that someone or something is no more. It was a life that came to its end. Most lives come to an end in old age and of a disease or trauma, and for some reason we are supposed to accept that as being natural and in a way, okay. It doesn't feel "okay" ever; it feels awful. It hurts and makes us empty and sad and grieving just as much as when someone at a younger age, dies. There are no rules in death. There are those who make a rationale for  grief. "oh well, he was --- age and it was timely" or  "she's out of her misery now" or " we all expected it" or "well, you have all those good memories to go on" and many other placatory remarks. No, dear people. It doesn't work that way. Death of a loved one, hurts badly. Death causes wounds that don't disappear quickly. It leaves scars and for most people, the scars don't go away even though death's sting eases somewhat in time. And it goes without saying,  nor should ever be said to the grieving, move on. Move on? We have to. Time drags us on, thank you very much and if I have to move on, I will do it my way, not because you tell me to "move on". I recall a dear friend of mine whose husband died and she wore his sweaters to the griever's sessions. A well-meaning person who was also insensitive, told her it wasn't right that she wore her husband's sweaters and that she should "move on". She was horrified and damaged by that remark, innocently said, I presume. She needed to grieve her way and the sweater she snuggled into, offered her that comfort. We are all different as the saying goes, but for some reason it is not always remembered. Death is a certainty and it is hugely complex for those doing it and those standing by. Rules are made up as we go along. Those who are not directly affected have a hard time with it, too. They don't know what to say or do because there are no rules to follow. I guess the most useful advice is simply to do what feels best and take your chances.