Marriage Two

As often, or nearly always, happens a long marriage ends in the death of one of the partners. It's not only a hard time for the mate left in dealing with loss, it's even harder if the family disapproves of their parent becoming romantically involved again. They feel that the departed has been somehow betrayed and that their feelings have not been considered because their permission was not gained for the new relationship in happening. Their feelings are natural, but not correct. Looking at it from the outside, is easy. Being in it, isn't that simple. In one scenario, the new relationship person moved into the parental home and the children, now adult, feared some promised items there would be lost to them. They went inside and thieved them. Naturally, it became a serious rift. The items were of close personal value, so it wasn't about money. Better communication may have averted the crisis. In other cases, financial assets are in question. The bottom line is one of those in the marriage vows: "until death us do part". When one mate dies, that ends the marriage and estates fall to those in the will, usually to the remaining partner. Where older people who remarry are often confronted by their offspring, has much to do with material things rather than feelings. You assume that children who do not truly understand when it comes to the deep loneliness of someone widowed, would be overjoyed that their parent found someone else and their life is no longer painful. Unfortunately, it's rare. Feelings run deeply. In a situation I have encountered recently, two older people plan to marry and have not told their children but want to go ahead and make their vows and then make the announcement to family. They fear that telling may spoil their wedding. While I am overjoyed that each of them has found a wonderful new love to enrich and fulfill their lives, I do not agree, they should marry without speaking to family. They need not ask permission. They have considered their union thoroughly and have tested it as much as possible. They have spoken to friends about the wisdom of their choice and finally have gone ahead with their decision to marry. When I want to test a decision, I try to think of the other side and how that works. It's hard to do, but worth the effort. Thinking on the side of a family that receives a sudden announcement of  marriage by their parent to a relative stranger, could make them feel that they don't matter to that parent. It could bring out resentment. They may not expect to give permission but they do want to feel involved in their parent's happiness.  Family is part of a person's life even though that life is independent of children when it comes to relationships.The latter are the sole personal choices of an individual no matter how old the parent is. The family's job and need, should be to support and assist the choices of their elder parents who remarry and thus,allow them freely to regain the gift of someone to spend happily, the rest of their lives with.