Now And Then

 I am a Now, not a Then. When you are a widow of many years it's easy to slip back and think nothing but what was Then, and not what is Now. It's too hard to be a Then so I work hard at being a Now. Lots of Then people will not like this idea but hey, whether we like it or not, we are all a Now person. What was, was lovely and had lots of very important and meaninful scenes but they are gone and will never return. What we Now people live is in the Now, no more of the Then. How do I get through every day Now? I fight for it. I want to sit and remember the Now and how perfect it was being with someone close and meaningful every day, a someone who shared morning coffee and the crossword puzzle, whom he and I sat together with and had breakfasts and dinners with and who may have snored at night or fallen asleep when I wanted to watch movies and didn't like it or who smiled at me all the time or held my hand in the car and said nothing. Tha's all over and now, I am alone. I'm not into dating or trying to meet someone over coffee somewhere. I tried that once and found it terribly depressing. I am very old now and should as others, but dead, and anyone I might like to cuddle up with, knows it.  But, just like me, knows he can't. We are too much into the Then of time and not enough of the Now. Today, I am in the Now and here is where I am and where I have to be. I am not going to find someone romantic to stare at across a candle-lit table and dine on lobster. I would love to, but that is over. That is gone. Movies try to convince me and you,  that we can be young again and be attractive and wear chiffon and find someone who will suddenly want to be with us. No. That is not going to happen. For old women, there are no old men. They are very pleasant old men but old men and old women are no longer humans who fall in love. Some say they do, but really all they get it companionship. There is nothing wrong with companionship or elder marriage, but it does not truly take you back to being young again and in love. You can love,  but not be "in love". That  happens once. Ah, it is not a depressing place to be. We still, even though Now people, remember being a Then. And love the moment.