Oh I See

How many times have you heard this or said it? Actually, you don't see, but you feel you have to pretend for the sake of another, to commiserate. Why can't we "see"? It is really rather simple. We can't see what isn't there. If you are not specifically in someone's shoes, you have no idea what the situation is with the chemistry of an other person's actions and reactions to a given situation. Recently, someone said that she knew what I was going through as a widow. She was married but not in a good space with it. She had a partner who was abusive and she was speaking through one of her  usual waves of good times/ bad times. In her current elevated stage, she said that she had spent a few nights alone when her mate was on the road working, and now she knew what it was like to be a widow and spend evening after evening alone. Sorry, I can't buy, that spending a few nights alone is anything like widowhood, and I am almost positive that other widows would agree. For sure, when I had a husband who was absent, it was lonely but it is nothing like knowing you will be alone every night for the rest of your life. At least you have, as married, the anticipation of your husband being merely away but that he will return. When you are a widow, there is no "returning", and that's the hard part. But you do get on with it. When the tears are finally gone, you have to find something to fill the gaps that your man once inhabited. I suppose it is like a relationship break-up. No one can help you because your options are unique to you alone. Filling the space with another man works only for a time unless you have found the ideal person. That doesn't always work in spite of what the Meet Match people tell you. Romantic marriages found that way eventually turn into normalcy and that's when the real testing begins. When you are an older widow or widower, it isn't all that easy. You know what it's like to be alone and it is not something you desire again, therefore, often the widowed just put up with an imperfect match for the sake of comfort and convenience. In my opinion, it's better to be alone rather than take that chance. But in the case of the right person coming along and things going well, there is a glimmer of hope. When the tests are all passed and you are still happy, that's the time to make it permanent. Lots of couples co-habit, first getting themselves a legal contractual agreement that protects their families and themselves from later possible grief. It is not mistrust, it is insurance realizing that human nature is simply that. We are all fluctuating sorts of  beings who change according to our immediate environments. Also marriage is like chemistry: a mixing of various elements coming together to turn into something brand new.  Those around you may say, "Oh I see" but what they really mean is, "I care for you and wish you well"  and it ought be embraced by the receiver in that manner. It's really just empathy.