Really

All wives fantacize about being a widow. Maybe they know it is their destiny, if not divorce. Divorce is different. You know HE is somewhere even though you might hate him. You see him occasionally or speak to him and you have, at least, that even if it is torturous. Death is not the same. It is an end, a finality  deep. There is no one there and there never will be again. When you used to fantacize, you thought how fine it would be to make all the decisions and have all the resources and do all of the managing. It would be a powerful experience, you guessed. No, no. It isn't at all a matter of power.  Death happens and when the sad rites are over, you find yourself more alone than you ever imagined and there is a void in which you live day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute. It is a silent emptiness and, no, the memories are not a comfort. They are something to forget. You must move on, others say. What else can you do? But you do it. You learn which end of the screwdriver is which and how to use it. Oh I know, some widows become the classic pest and bother their children and neighbours endlessly to come and help.  Good widows don't. They DIY or hire. Romantically, you miss a man in your life but you aren't supposed to look around and anyway, most men, the good ones, are taken or want to be - for a ride - something to avoid. Still, you hope that someday, someone will come along and your wifely life will resume and be happy once again. Some think that you are a threat to their marriage and your celebratory invitations stop. The world is a couple world. Widows understand that. Widows Not Welcome. Some men you meet are shopping for a wife and mostly you aren't it. You spend a lot of evenings alone and when the phone rings, you answer and pretend to be happy and love your new life but you want the old one back. There are tearful times but they are impractical. They're a waste of time. The walls won't listen. Days and nights stretch out on a horizon that is long and empty but you use your imagination and your inner strength to keep on.  Some advise you to join in, go out, have fun. What do they know? They have security in a marriage or relationship. It isn't like what they believe it to be and you can't explain it.  Life will never be easy again, but you learn to cope. You put aside your own wants and simply act and react. You try to look your best and behave kindly and bravely, but you aren't. You are like a small boat in the middle of a vast sea with almost  no hope of seeing shore again and you watch the sky for storms and wonder if you can survive them. You learn little by little to get over your fears and ride the waves and stop worrying about tomorrow. It never comes. You do it because you have to. It doesn't get better but you get used to it.