No You Don't

"We know better than you, believe it. We do this only in your best interests." We all said it to our young.  Elders hear it far too often from their families. While the young know their own lives - such as they are - they do not fully "know" aging. Why? They're not on that part of the time line, that's why. The elder knows body pain, incontinence, dulling memory, loneliness, and losses both physical and emotional. He or she tolerate gradually failing systems that are merely doing what is natural and to accomplish that work, and it is work, they need  patience, love and support, not family judgements. "Mother, surely you're not going to wear that old sweater. Here is a  nice new one." "Dad you can't watch TV all day. Get out and walk. It's a sunny day."  Mom and dad don't have the strength to say, "Back off, or it's out to the woodshed with you", but they should. Not that they ever took their kids out to the proverbial "woodshed". Worse still, is the elder who is pressured emotionally. Telling an elder who he or she should associate with is cruel. It denys him or her the pleasure of choosing a support system of their own unique design. And really, whose happiness is at stake?  The elder who has limited time left, needs love and approval for his choices. Another pressure that is hard to tolerate is financial. I had an uncle who went to his wealthy mother whining about not having a new car or something to buy his pretty wife. My grandmother gave him tea and sympathy but no money. Over tea, she  reviewed the matter with me, saying that if she gave him all he wanted, he would be unlikely to come and visit her frequently to ask for things. Now, that's wisdom. Then there are those who rub their hands together waiting for their elders to pop off so they can collect what they didn't earn. They natter away about his or her needing to go to a "home" when staying at home is the best and often cheaper way to survive old age. Homes are places of routine out of necessity, what you might call kindly prisons. There are necessary time schedules such as events and the bus to the mall and meal times. Yes, there is hairdressing and book shelves and visiting entertainment but one's own home, whether it be an apartment or house is the best place to be as long as possible. Help can be shipped in. Choices should be what fits the elder not the family. The bottom line is love. Love the elder. You're looking at yourself.