Death Matters

Death is not a pretty subject, but as we age, it becomes a more familiar one. Sometimes it's our own death that confronts us, either near or farther off. We human creatures with all of our reasoning powers, are not able to feel our mortality. The dying people that I knew or know, simply take it one day at a time. Nobly, most proceed toward their ending with grace and dignity. They go through all the so-called stages. Death is not all bad to look on, even though we  miss loved ones who die and feel sad that we will not be able to see them ever again or grieve over our own demises. The good parts are, that we recall happy things we did together. The good times. Those reminders don't entirely wipe out grief but they do make us smile through the tears or perhaps even cause us to have an occasional laugh. At memorials there is usually a lot of laughing. Guests want to review the person's life and wisely seek out the funny events to do it. It's a relief to know that others also knew the one who died and that we are, therefore, in good company. Memorial humour is always a healing cloud under which to gather and welcome back the good old days. While most memories are pleasant, however, there are ones, always, that privately, bring out feelings of guilt or frustration or even anger.  One thinks, why did I not do this or that,  because I think if I did, it would have been a better relationship with that person. Hindsight is not only perfect, it's often cruel at these moments, but there is time at hand, and it can heal.  And while we need to deal with the bad bits, we also need to set them aside in time as one of those things that can't entirely be solved. There are plenty of regrets all throughout our lives. It's a human effect. They are the shoulda-coulda-wouldas of it all.  Death is hard for anyone to accept and fathom, and some of us get a grip on it before others. One woman I know, just can't achieve that level and her grief is deep and dreadful. She seems inconsolable and is shocked that others of her friends have "moved on". As she expressed to me, "they're disgusting!". That's how she feels, and it can't be denied her. It's her life and her pathway to tread. Some find a cure for loss negativity in work or learning or finding another person or situation into which they may venture. It's a kind of distraction they make for their grieving. They try, most of the time, to forget themselves and their feelings. It might be a long journey for some. Others are able to move on in a relatively rapid state. Dealing with death, our own or that of others, is one of the most certain events and challenges of our lives but it is by far, the hardest.