Alone Not Lonely

Living on one's own is, at first, somewhat daunting. Widowhood presents a lifestyle that always comes in a surprising way. It's not something you can truly prepare for. You were part of a couple and suddenly, from one day to the next, there is no one walking beside you with whom to share your life. That someone, isn't replaceable, just as each human being is unique, so it is in the matter of pairing. At the beginning of your solo flight, there are countless lessons and finally you reach the altogether independent stage. You look back and wonder what you used to be. Some widows fall into the lives of their children and stay there. Others launch into a next marriage or relationship and it's like a transfer on a bus; they arrive at the same destination quite safely. Others, like me, find that they have become a different person altogether. Decisions become the sole property of one. Responsibility falls directly into one's lap and has to be dealt with by one. You. Any problems or successes are the charge of one. You. Looking at the couple world is like seeing quite another planet. And usually, it isn't one you are invited onto. As a result of your new independence, you lose the group thought mentality and begin to see life and its myriad of experiences, as something you and you alone must contend with. Of course, you consider your family and acquaintances, but in truth, the buck stops with you - sometimes literally. Grouping is a natural activity amongst living creatures. You see it in nature and you see it in mankind. Mostly, it is for protection. The single creature has to watch its back and be constantly aware while at the same time, blending in. The latter is not an easy matter as I am discovering. My new-found independence is often seen as rather threatening to those enveloped in groups. They are kind of mystified if my opinions or actions are not what the majority decides. For example, in a book club I was involved with, a change was made that put all the management of it into the hands of one person who did the business with a library and then distributed the material out to the other members. While the system worked like a machine, the choices of books were more or less controlled. The time frame for borrowing was controlled and who ran the show, was controlled. Now for most groupies, this is what they like. It takes the responsibility off their shoulders and puts it on those of someone  who loves it. But, it didn't feel good to me somehow, and politely, I informed the others that while I thought it worked well for them, sorry, I would opt out and continue to arrange my own borrowing as previously with all else remaining the same. I had never encountered a problem with my borrowing and didn't see the need for me, personally to change my method. After all, it had nothing to do with the workings of the others.  My decision, I thought, would not interfere with theirs to enter this new phase, so all was well.  I was wrong. It became evident, reading the on-line tersenesses,  that one cannot be an independent in the company of a group. It doesn't pay to be a zebra with a red stripe. While the comments were polite, it was clear that an offense had been committed in Groupiness. I had to live with the notion that groups require solidarity and to remain in the group, I  must learn to follow the group "rules" or launch out on a solo flight. I made the decision.