Not The Boss Of Me

When we were small children and others who were not our parents, told us what to do, we'd say "you're not the boss of me". They may have been, in truth, because they were given the role of temporary protector or surrogate parent. Unfortunately, often adult children take on the role of parent when their elders reach an age they solely consider to be not responsible. Taking over the life of a parent, if not volunteered freely, must be determined by experts in the geriatrics field. But when the determiner is considered merely an age number, it can be completely inappropriate and wrong. I know a woman, aged 100, who lives on her own, makes her own meals and manages her home and affairs herself. She goes to social events, is gently mobile and highly intelligent. If she needs help, she asks for it. She gave up her car and depends on other means of transportation. There is help, when she needs it, from family and friends or those she hires. She maintains herself just as any other citizen does. Most people of very old age, eighty or beyond, are quite capable of doing the same. Because an age number is an elusive determiner, those entering into "taking over" an elder person, ought to do so with caution. You are not "the boss" of someone based just on a number even if there is loss of some abilities, and if you think so, tread lightly. Most people who take care of their own lives, know when the time comes to seek assistance. If for some reason, they don't, there is a process to sort out what needs "taking over" and what doesn't. Few people escape losing abilities of some kind after the age of eighty but it is different aspects for different people. For immediate family to take over, is really not their choice.  Would they welcome, after a lifetime of independence, want,  even close family uninvited, to push them aside and run their lives?  A recent case in the news, related the court battle of a family suing to obtain their father's affairs because he married someone half his age. While he has physical difficulties, he and his wife have worked matters to their satisfaction. The couple seems content. The father's relatives present a different picture and want to have their father declared incompetent so that they can take over his affairs. These are presently managed by his wife, with the father's direction. And while the outcome of the case has not been determined as yet, the stress has taken its toll.  Elders have their own pace and skills in knowing what is best in their lives. It may take a good deal of conversation and patience for those who love them, to understand. Feelings on both sides, need to  be heeded and respected. No one is "the boss" of anyone else and elders can be a treasure greater than gold in a family that cares about perspective. They are the historians: the reminders of who and what we are now from what they were then. Just ask.