Widow Aware - Learning Survival

There is a learning curve for new widows and it is one that heads upward, not down. If you are like me, you will have depended on your husband to do many things that have now landed in your lap. These matters are not choices, they are must-dos. You can hie off into a corner and weep about it and cry out for help but you will be happier if you try to do them yourself. I recall a co-worker whose mother was calling him constantly to come over and help her. "Help" is a misnomer. She wanted him to do it: call the roofer,  the mechanic,  the plumber. She pleaded that she didn't know how to ask. Frankly, I don't think she made a single attempt and each time that her kindly son went running off to "help" her, his mother prevented herself from learning. A wise son would have had her do the task while he stood in the cheering section. As it was, he found himself, a man with a wife and three of his own children, spending a good part of every weekend, working for his "helpless" mother. They ended up building a house for her next door. And guess who built it?  Of course, there are tasks that require a man but these days of electronics and communications networks, women can do most everything a man can if they put their minds to it. You, the widow, will make mistakes and feel frustrated but eventually you will  drive the city, do the finances, fill out the tax forms and learn how to get estimates. Each time you are successful, you are a winner. This doesn't mean you have to trade in your feminism but it does mean that you will become much happier being independent than standing around wringing your hands watching someone else doing the job that should be yours. I find that women are far more resourceful in their ways of doing things than men. Often a man insists he needs a specific tool to do a repair or it can't be done at all, while a woman looks around and improvises and finds a quicker way to accomplish the task. The result may not look as ideal at first, but it will improve with time and practice. I found screwdrivers mystifying, for example, but then I remembered that young boys have them put in their hands early in their lives by fathers in the workshop while girls are helping mom do the laundry. Most of the time, boys had all of their lives to learn  but you are just starting. Don't give away your man's tools. Keep them, you'll need them. Get a good all round handyman book. How do you caulk a shower or repair a leaky tap? What is needed to unclog a drain or fix a toilet tank that won't stop running? If you must hire, get recommendations and estimates. Select the best tradesman and not who is the "nicest".
When work is necessary, "nice" is not key. Get a price and make sure it includes everything. Taking the car in for service checks, ask beforehand if what they say must be done is necessary and why. Get a price. Then check that with someone who knows about these things before you have the work done. When it is finished, make sure it's satisfactory and if not, don't pay until it is. You will find some very "nice" people out there who see widows as golden geese. One doesn't want to become cynical but now you run the show, so run it right. It's a matter of survival.