Fire And Ice

All couples have "fires". They can flare up suddenly sometimes and things are said that are incendiary. Emotions are high. These sorts of fights are dangerous and sometimes what is said hardens into concrete and cracks a good relationship asunder. Other times, when the heat cools, regret and common sense enter, and arguments may be considered more objectively. It would be  good if this were always the case, but life isn't perfect. When the matter of discussion does arrive after a set to, the ashes have to be sorted through to find salvageable reasons to keep the relationship going. Or not. This is the crucial moment when parties have to give and receive so that matters can be solved and spirits calmed. Even if the discussion leads to a decision to part, both people have had their say and can move on without hidden issues that might fester and cause pain later. First come the rules for reviewing. These are taking turns, not interrupting, calling names or blaming and the last, negotiating a resolution.  Sounds easy. It isn't. Taking turns is worst. To sit quietly and listen to someone tell you what they feel about what you did and it being not at all what you thought, is hard. But wait. You will have your turn. Also to focus  on reporting your own feelings and not bringing in blame is tough. Here's where the give and take come in. The give is allowing someone to express their side freely. The take isn't much different. It means that you must take part of the responsibility when they report. Often times, in fact most of the time, there is a reason why someone else does what he/she does, good or bad, and you are, in some way, even a small one, part of it. (We are not speaking of abuse but only average quarrels in relationships. In abuse, there is only one side, and an unfair one.) After each listening to the other, each  states how they feel the issue should be solved. Again taking turns. Together, a solution has to be hammered out and agreed to.  Listening is the key. This is the negotiating period. You may have to make a compromise and not have matters all your way.  In the end, if you can do this, you will come out a winner. Best of all you may save your relationship while learning more about the true reasons why you entered it in the first place.