At The Controls

Who steers the ship? It's not always the captain. At times, the first mate or others of lesser rank are enlisted. It's the same with the controlling of individuals. Sometimes the controller is so subtle that the controlled do not know it. Control is not always done by bullies, but often by someone least suspected: a sweet friend, a companion, a parent. How do you find out who is controlling you? Take a look at your life and think about it to answer the question, "why". Why are you feeling frustrated? Who is asking you to do what is not your own choice? What would you rather do? Why have you accepted the control? You may discover that you are doing things that look innocent on the outside but that are motivated not by you, but by another "well meaning" sort, making you their puppet. Dinners and other designed events are a famous way of controlling family. Someone, likely the controller, decides that regular "family" dinners or events, are a must to hold everyone together. ( It begs the question isn't being a family enough?) And of course, you go along with it and set aside all other personal choices because of the old saying: "family comes first" or " blood is thicker than water". And that is true, but not always: truth being a malleable matter. It is true if it fits your needs as well as those of the person, the controller, directing the event. I know a young, newly married couple who had to make a hard decision that their own little family came before meeting the invitations of his and her parents to Sunday dinners every weekend. They found that there were no weekends that were left for them and their new infant. When they realized the control that was happening that affected their own need to become a  family themselves, they announced that from now on they would be having dinner at their table and hoped to invite the parents to share their happiness. They took over the control.  I know another situation where a friend continuously insisted on books for his friend to read and made sure that their discussions over libations would include references to the books. The friend who felt forced to keep up the reading if he were to remain in the relationship, had other obligations but in order to maintain their friendship, he spent most of his leisure, desperately trying to keep up with the readings. Not too difficult to see who the controller was in this case. Husbands are pretty good at controlling sometimes as can be, wives. When times must be adhered to such as meals, someone is in control and the controlled, goes along with the demands simply to keep the peace. The broader family can also control their households. A certain very fine family I knew long ago, insisted that every evening at seven o'clock, the entire group would circle in the living room while a book reading was effected. Each member of the circle read a chapter. By the time the session was over, there was time left only for homework and on weekdays later, bed. And while it seems like a perfectly lovely way to spend an evening, some of the teens wanted to meet their friends or have them over. They also wanted to please their controlling father. It was Father's zealous method of family coherence, one that he considered important enough to  mete out punishments if there were objections to his plan, in the name of Family. Even discussion of the chosen reading material would have helped, but the youngsters were so upset at having no choice in any part of the activity,they could have cared less about talk after and hour and a half of forced readings. Mothers in law are often accused of control that they argue as only concern for their children and seeing that instruction would be helpful to the couple. This kind of control can cause much grief and while we make fun of it, it is not fun. Usually it ends up with someone hurt and usually it is the over conscientious mother who is wounded who thinks she has "meant only good". Fortunately, mothers are flexible people and soon  all is fixed usually, and hugs, rampant. If one day you wake up to who is really in control of your life and it isn't you, and you want to do something about it, the next step is to find out what you want in your life that would work. Sounds simple but it's not something we do often and mapping out our own chart, can be time-consuming as well as complex. All you want to do is steer your own ship and when it suits you, at times, allow for another mate to take over but only at your discretion. Bon voyage!