The DIY Party

I am all for DIY but only if  done by volunteers.  The easiest DIY of all, is the party by the same name. You supply the venue, much wit and a ton of gall and that's all. Here's how. First there are the invitations. The benefit of cyberville is the invitation  on your computer program so all you need to do is a click or two and voila, all done. Sending them out? Piece of cake. Your contacts list will work for you. Simply delete your enemies and send later, those you want to annoy with, "gee sorry, guess I mis-placed your address ".  Next on the list is a note saying that "simply everyone who is someone" is coming and casually drop in the names of a few well known party mavens who will feel obligated to come in order to preserve their party reputations. They likely won't last longer than the hot hors oeuvres  but putting them on the list kicks up your status and ensures more name-dropper guests will attend. Why lots of guests? The more people, the more food and drink. DIY translates into YDI (you-do-it).  Of course you welcome that favorite beverage they always bring and their platter of the recipe to-die-for that everyone raved about last party. "It wouldn't be a party without your fabulous ...." . Works every time, especially if you remembered to copy and paste the goodie beside their name in your contacts list for later use. You do have to put a bit of effort in! Next, you hire a DJ or little band of cool musicians with a foot note to your guests, "let's fill the band's hat with "folded" - we are not cheap skates like you-know-who". You don't know who the you-know-who is and neither do they, but they, like you, dare not admit it. At the party's end, if the band doesn't quite make the doubloons they hoped for, it isn't your fault; you can moan about the cheapness of guests these days, not-like-the-good-old-days and then hum one of their tunes. The band may not return ever but they will understand. They're musicians. The RSVP should include a blank line or six to tell you what your guests will bring to the party, and I don't mean their unwelcome brothers-in-law who just turned up unexpectedly and had to be brought. What I am talking about is food and drink. You need to know the item, you say, "just for party balance". What does that mean? Who cares. You will end up at your party, with a table full of  host's gift wines and perhaps some chocolate and flowers but in the end, no one will notice you in the pantry pouring liberally from your boxed vino reds and whites into the elegant wine bottle collection you own. It's just  all part of the fun. How your guests get to your place and where they stay, if out of town, is easy, too. Send a list of local establishments. Of course invite the purveyors of the accommodations as well. It's good for business both ways. For certain, invite your next door neighbours in the building and the people downstairs and especially the landlord who will get tomorrow's noise and parking complaints. You need to store your furniture in neighbouring places temporarily and the noise level downstairs will thus go unnoticed. The night of the party, make sure early on, that the band is loud and the neighbours are already well "oiled" and in mid-room location to make it look like the party is underway. Noise and movement is the key. Float about with host-like jollity and compliments replete. Greetings with screaming hugs and kisses are crucial to the opening ambience. All of your interesting art pieces strewn about and posters you have put on the walls for conversation purposes will get things going and ensure socializing topics. From then on, it's a matter of keeping things moving. You are the impeller and they, the laundry. Churn, Baby churn!