Surrogate Matriarchs

While mothering can be a very satisfying job, it comes with a huge responsibility. That of letting go. When you have carried a pre-born around for nine months, you have bonded in the most intimate way. The tiny creature knows Mother's every bodily event. Its little brain is imprinted and at the same time, so is the mother's that is constantly adding baby content to its cache. When the child is born in the usual dramatic fashion, those memories, I suspect, do not entirely disappear. While I am no scientist, I am the mother of a child and that bond is strong. Surrogate mothers are fine folk but they have to glean their sense of what the child is by means other than that of carrying a developing embryo day and night for a very long time. They are left to observe and test and feel. Just as birth mothers, they manage motherhood in their own specific ways. Some do a great job and others who have not actually reared the child years on end, may have to accomplish the task differently. Teachers of young children carry on an effective job. They are an important part of the child's day. The child sees them as surrogate mothers and responds similarly but after school the little ones  fly to their true mothers. Some  real mothers do a good job and others don't, but the child knows that mother good or bad as mother. Mothers who take on the children of their formerly married husbands have the toughest mothering of all. Somehow, they have to inch their way into little hearts that they don't see every day. They "get" the kids on weekends, if that is the custody arrangement. Sometimes it is successful and other times, they have to be content with becoming a friend instead. Some become matriarchs of manipulation and effect birthday parties and other events so that as the children grow, they will see the "other woman" in a mothering way. It is a daunting task. Children of a mother who has died have a very difficult time. The "new" mother is handed the gargantuan role that must appear as a mother while respecting the often over-blown memory the children have of their real mother.
 Also, there are "lost" mothers who have born children and for various reasons were compelled to "give them up". (A child is never "given up"; it is always the child of the birth mother. ) When the child becomes an adult, it craves to know its birth mother. If its mother has died, it creates one in its imagination. It can be a powerful concept for the surrogate to deal with. An adoptive mother can find her child's search for the birth mother, very trying. She takes her role very seriously and feels that she is the true mother. But having the child's best interests at heart, she cooperates. Sadly, some birth-mother women feel threatened by their "lost' child's re-appearance and reject them, but most find it very satisfying to realize that their "baby" has become  a productive person,  unharmed by their choice and that now they are able to reinstate a relationship. Most birth mothers and their children continue meeting and both mothers are content that satisfaction in the matter has occurred. Matriarchal mothers are another thing. They see their role as queen and head of their family's lives and fight to keep that role whether their off-spring or surrogate kids want independence or not. It's a dangerous game and adult families who need to maintain the power of their own family, will fight to keep it - and should. One essential thing good mothers learn to do, is to let go. Matriarchal kinds, try to keep exclusive control in any way they can. They hold on by organizing too many family events or yank a financial chain or demand constant close care and attention or set themselves up as rivals of their children's mates. Mothers who don't allow their children their independence, lose not only their children but also their self worth. It's a fine balance to know when it's the right time to let the nestlings fly.  Mothers don't have an easy job, whether they are birth mothers or surrogates.